This week the topic is "Dealing with Negative People". We all have these people in our lives--whether it's through blogging or other ways. I read that negative people are like human black holes, who come out of nowhere and suck the life out of you. You recognize them, don't you? There's the sob sister (whiner), the blamer, the drama queen, the victim, the constant talker or joke teller, and the fixer-upper (requires endless help)....What can you do about these people?
Judy Orloff, in her book, "Positive Energy", gives us some strategies on how to deal with negative people. A few of her ideas are:
1. Just smile and remain completely detached; Remember that they are seeking a response from you!
2. Say (right after you've heard their tragic story): "Now tell me something positive."
3. Ask yourself what it says about YOU. Negative people want to get a reaction from you. They 'push your buttons'... You can learn alot about yourself by dealing with your response to this person. This person should have no power over you.
4. Does this person and their situations make you feel NEEDED? A good test to see if this is happening is to notice how you feel after 'helping' someone. You may be giving your energy to them ---and this doesn't help either party.
5. Remember that this is NOT your fault. You cannot solve the problems of the world.
There are plenty more strategies, but I'm sure you have some great thoughts also. When I worked for the church for about 25 years, I dealt with all kinds of people. I was trying to help them ---and not take their problems and situations home with me. It wasn't easy --but I always kept a specific saying on my computer at work: "Surround yourself with positive people".
Now---tell your stories of negative people in your life, and what you do/did/will do about them and that situation.
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If you missed my yesterday's post, you missed an important announcement. Don't forget to watch NBC tonight at 8:00 Eastern time (or 7:00 Central time) to see my hometown of Big Stone Gap, Virginia!!! See yesterday's post for more details!!
Have a great weekend. I'm taking a little blog break for Valentine's Day---so I will see you next Thursday, Feb. 17. Happy Valentine's Day to ALL.
Hugs,
77 comments:
Once in a while you find yourself in a situation where you finally have to distance yourself or possibly even break off contact. When going through a cancer scare years ago, there was one person that I just stopped contact with because I couldn't 'afford' to have any negativity zapping me as I fought the battle. She had me already dead and that was NOT helping me.
With the person at school who's been difficult, after she insulted me when I was trying to reach a compromise, I just ignored her. I no longer made a point of saying hello to her and going out of my way to be nice. I pretended she didn't exist. I had done all I knew to do (and I mean that sincerely). She made it plain what she thought of me, so I left her alone. Since we're the only two in the department that made it awkward, but I'd had enough.
Finally she came to my room yesterday with some material she thought she'd share with me. I accepted it and thanked her. We'll see what happens next.
By the way, this is a good idea, Betsy.
I also enjoyed your post about your son. All your sons are handsome and seem quite good-natured. Beautiful wife and daughters --and yes they grow up too fast. The dress was lovely as was she.
The other post: your sunset was incredible. The color breaking through those dark clouds and the formation of them was stunning. I bet that was icing on the cake for a honeymoon, huh?!
Have a wonderful break! Happy Valentines' Day!
Oh geez Betsy...these type of people have no authority over me whatsoever...meaning, I always shoot something positive back at them with a BIG smile and how blessed I am to see another day. Light will always penetrate darkness...:)
Some days the negative people in my life drag me down too,but mostly I must say that I choose to let them live in their negativity and I keep on enjoying the positive side of life.I have in the past called my reaction to the negative people,selective hearing.I choose not to hear what they are saying.A visit to our blog is one from which I come away with positive and happy feelings. Have a great weekend.Happy Valentine's day to you.
Ruth
I agree in surrounding yourself with positive people. I have learned over the years to stay away from friends who drain me with their negativity. Life is just too darn short!!!!
Have a lovely weekend Betsy!
xo Catherine
Thanks..you have opened a NEW Door for me today!
I'm going to have to try #2 more often.
Have a great Valentine's Weekend!
I let negative people drain me, they take my energy. My husband always tells me to know that these people are taking my energy and has even told me some of the strategies you have here.He may have read this book. You feel drained after only a few minutes with these people it's hard when it is people you know and love.
I'm way too sensitive to negative people...I guess I'm a people pleaser but I have learned that these people have to be cut out of my life completely...better to keep my sanity than give them their twisted satisfaction...Positive people keep me positive!!!
These negative people really can't affect us unless we allow them to! I've also often experienced that a kind word in response to such negative things can totally throw the negative person totally off their game and can change the dynamics of a relationship tremendously. In my experience, these folks are often times hurting in ways we don't know and the negativity and nastiness can be a defense they create to try to insulate themselves from more pain. Larry
My technique is just to listen but try not to take anything on board.
Negative people are difficult to know how to respond to. I've had a number of them in my life over the years. Many of them are acting out of a sense of worthless-ness. They need to know that they have worth. I have found that sometimes just saying "nothing" but just being there for them can be helpful. However, when you begin to feel overwhelmed by the negatives there comes a time to speak up...or remove yourself from their presence. I try to live by the "attitude determines altitude" philosophy and pray for the right words to pass that along to others. Sometimes it works. ☺
Betsy, this was a very timely post. The negative person in my life is my mother. Perhaps that has something to do with her age of 88 and the fact that her husband, sister (only sibing) and many friends have sadly passed away. And I can imagine how lonely and sad she must get, but she is always critical and negative in most comments. It's not that she doesn't care, because I know she does. For the holidays we picked her up at her NJ home and brought her to our VA home. Grenville being the loving husband that is cautioned me that a week-long stay might be TOO much; it turned into a 10-day visit because of the Christmas snowstorm. She was anxious to get home worrying about the snow at her home. By that time we were glad to bring her home. I don't deal well with many of her comments even though Grenville tells me to ignore them. I keep trying to solve problems without much successes.
Whoops, forgot to wish you and George a Happy Hearts Day weekend!
Quick respose,
Is your glass half full?
or
Is your glass half empty?
on the other hand,
there maybe just 1 of all these folk that are asking for help, so do we treat them all alike or ??
i am a half empty glass person and hubby is a half full which makes us 2 halves into a whole. also i am in the talks a lot, so now i am thinking what do othrs think of me.
I am a very positive person but also a very compassionate one. I listen because they may need that. When I determine who really is in need or who rather enjoys their bleak out look, I offer positive solutions that I think might help. If they are truly in need, they have found someone who cares. If they are just negative wallowers, my positiveness annoys the He** out of them. Mission accomplished.
I too am a positive person.
I was married to a negative individual and it never stopped.....very depressing.
But on a brighter note, have you read Adriana Trigiani's "Big Stone Gap"? She wrote a trio and I loved them all. I'll be watching Tim tonight. Thanks for the tip, I might have missed this one!
I try my best not to let them bother me but sometimes they really get to me. I just go surround myself with the animals here and all their love and silly antics fill my body with positive energy right away. Have a wonderful Valentine weekend!
Interesting post, Betsy. I do NOT let negative people influence me.
I listen, I ignore and then I smile a lot. I have always liked the saying:
Smile at your enemies (the negative people)
It will drive them crazy.
Not that I have any enemies but I didn't know what other word to use.
I think mostly that I just try to remind myself that sometimes I'm that "negative person" that someone else is dealing with and that each of these people have some circumstance in their life that is making them act the way they do. I try not to react negatively to their negativity.
Interesting post, Betsy. I've had a lot of negative people in my life. I won't name names. I've always tried to look on the bright side of things and encourage these people to do the same. It's hard and I don't have any great tips. These type people are very difficult to be around and you really can't change them.
Have a great Valentine Day and weekend!
Hugs,
Cheryl
I am a person that has a high flow of postiveness in my life. I do not allow negative energy to drag me down. When I come in contact with people who choose the negative way of life, I start pointing out all the Blessings in their life. You would be surprised how quick they are to stop complaining to me.
Blessings are never ending!
I sure Hope you all have a fabulous Friday..
Many Hugs,
Shug
I surround myself with very positive people. There are a few who try to 'creep' in with the negatives, one in particular I can think of, and with her I've had to put on my hand and say, "Stop it!" I then smile and either change the subject or walk away.
I love that your header is happy hearts of love - - - because we need those to deal with negative people. We have run into more than a few in our church work, too. I have been 'accused' of being a Pollyanna because I am always trying to get them to see the 'flip side' of their situation. One person quit coming around me because she seemed to LOVE her half-empty glass. Some people don't even see their bad outlook - - no matter how you try and reverse them. We need to continue to minister to their hurts but can't let their negativity consume us. I agree with you, that we have to surround ourselves with positive people who want to be more Christlike. The others just drain you.
I have an often used quote; Always try to keep folks happy, even if it means going out of your way to avoid 'em.
Fantastic post Betsy.
I avoid negative people at all costs! There is just no room for them in my life.
Have a great weekend and a sweet Valentines day with your sweetie. :)
xoox
Hi Betsy, You are one of the most positive people I have ever met - even if only virtually! Have a wonderful day and an outstanding weekend. Big warm-up soon.
There are so many things to be grateful for, there is just no room for negativity!
I hope you two have a wonderful Valentine's Day!
Most of the negative people I've run into seem to be online. I've deleted several friends on my two social networks because they get upset if I don't get around to sending them a personal note every day. I've deleted a couple of them from my friends lists because they are always posting things like "why has everyone abandoned me", or "no one ever writes to me"
I always try to be postitive when I write things on my social networks and on my blogs. After all, if you are not happy with yourself, how can you have a positive attitude about anything?
We all have a down day now and then, and sometimes we do need to share that feeling with our friends, but the only person who can pick you up is YOU!
Being negative just makes you miserable and it also brings down everyone around you and makes them miserable too. Who needs that?
I think you have a good thing started here, Betsy. I am fortunate in that I seem to be surrounded by positive folks. I hope that doesn't mean that "opposites attract." I do try to be on guard about displaying any negative attitudes.
Happy Valentine's Day to you and George. Enjoy your break.
Hi Betsy, neat post ! I am blessed to be surrounded by 99.9 % of positive people all the time. I am very positive so bless you, my dear friend for being another positive in my life! Blessings and hugs Jo
Betsy,
I truly have no patience for negative people and rarely are these people who are consistently negative an active part of my life...THAT"S how I deal with negative people; I DON'T!!!
...actually I should clarify that and say these people have limited time in my life because, well, just because!
One of the things my collegues say about me is that I always can put a positive spin on a difficult situation and I can so I try that when others are being negative which is why negative people don't gravitate toward me because I just don't get wrapped up in it...
love your new Friday Format!!!
Great idea Betsy - a topic and a forum for discussion! Rather than use too much space here I thought I'd make a post of it on my blog! You are such a beautiful positive person in my life and I appreciate you! Have a fabulous week-end!
I think we all have 'down' days and should give encouragement (or lend an ear) when we can. But, if you're doing it all the time, and getting no emotional support in return, then you have a problem. You really do have to put some emotional distance between each other and protect yourself. These days it's too easy to get drug down into the someone else's drama. The hard part is figuring out the right time to do that so that you don't ignore someone who really needs (and wants) help.
(Betsy - hugs!!! Great idea for your blog. I've been snowed in all week in the hollow. Did they move Tennessee up north and forget to tell me???)
I LOVE this and only wish I'd thought of it first!!! It reminds me of The Old Geezer's blog! Who I don't see here commenting yet, but maybe he is not a follower of yours. Whatever gave you this idea, how exciting!!!! Being a deacon for so many years, I have more experiences with negative people then you would have room for me to type. Extremly unusual people are somehow attracted to me, I was even stalked my a demented new church member once, and the police finally had to be called. It put me in the E.R. Negative people,...well, they need our help more than anyone, in a way. I love these ideas in your book, they are all so good!! I never accuse them or put them down, I try to show them by example. I do a lot of the nodding, smiling, and remaining detached. And I put a positive spin on everything negative they say!! I do not fall into their pattern, I try to turn it around, and usually they don't like this!! For each negative thing they say, I find something good to remark on and try to make them feel better. One person told me to just stop it!! They said "I know you are trying to help, and you are a very upbeat person, but just stop! I don't want to hear it! Your deacon act is kicking in and I don't need that!!" I feel sorry for these people because they can never see, smell, taste, and enjoy life like you and me!!! Their food is always bitter and the sun never shines.
Happy Valentine, Betsy. Have a great break.
Don't like whiner's or complainers.
I'm going to try #3 dealing with mother. I'm doing better since I stopped answering the phone to her unless I felt up to dealing with her b******t. I only spoke to her once last week and it worked really well!!
I try to surround myself with positive people too, when I can. For those who aren't, I try to be sympathetic and helpful to them if I can, but I try not to let their problems become mine as well. We all have bad days, so I try to be compassionate.
Have a good weekend, Betsy, and a Happy Valentine's Day!! :D
I think there are quite a few people that take something as negative when, if fact, it's just facts. For example, if I say "It's rained 10 days straight" when it actually has then that is a fact. Now if I start whining about it I can make it into something negative but I have a couple friends that will immediately say don't be so negative when, to me, I am not being negative but factual.
What a Great Idea for a weekly post!! As you already read, I have 2 very negative, poor me, stalkers that I actually know in the area I live in. One is down right evil and if mad at me for refusing to be her friend. Even though I've told her why many times, she doesn't believe she does anything wrong & gets even madder at me. That one I 'ignor'!!! Emails, comments, phone calls, etc. etc. She's been caught looking in my windows, etc. Thank goodness the small town I live in are All aware of her & very protective. Even though she has lived here her whole life & I've only lived here 5 years.
The other one blames me for her unhappiness. Long story... She blames everyone for her not having friends or good relationships. Again, she can't seem to see herself the way she really acts towards people. She's a poor me & it's eveyone else's fault. I was deleting her blog comments at first. But this last time I stopped myself & thought of a 'mature' response. Seems that wasn't what she expected and called yesterday, only to slam the phone down when she got my voice mail. Hummm... now I'm going to ignor her like the first. :-)
Great post & advice, Betsy!! So needed for so many!!
Happy Valentine's week, Betsy!!!!
Remember, you two give me so much Hope in regards to Love!! :-)
Love,
Coreen xoxoxoxo
Hi, thanks so much for visiting my Sister,Sister (no nun intended) post today.
As for negative people: They are energy suckers! I try to surround myself with positive people but when negativity is there, I just listen. Sometimes they just want to hear themselves talk and have someone to direct it to.
'hugs from afar'
Happy Valentine's Day to you and yours!
Great post today.
I learned years ago that it's better to "respond rather than react".
I've worked in people oriented professions all of my life and run into many, many negative people. I have always tried to turn their negatives into positives, sometimes it worked other times it didn't.
As long as my life is positive they can't control me, I won't let negativity bring me down.
Have a great weekend Betsy, enjoy your Valentine's break. I can't wait to hear about what you and George do for the holiday!
Great Post, Betsy! I always try to be positive. It makes for a happier me.
The ones who get my "nanny goat" are the passive aggressive e-mailers or messagers on FB who respond just under the level of nasty, but their true intentions are all just lying under the surface. I have made myself promise not to respond to a particular person's subtle jabs unless absolutely required, then I try to remember that great advice, "Kill 'em with kindness."
With age comes the revelation that not everyone has to like me, and I do not have to like everyone. Just be polite!
Interesting, Betsy. I'm not around too many negative people now that I think about it. I usually just nod and then switch the conversation to something positive.
Happy Valentine's Day to you and George! Enjoy your blogging break!
This happened to me a lot when I taught school. One of those people was the principal.
If faced with having to listen I'd do just that listen and go my way.
At this stage in my life I have no need for negitivity.
Have a wonderful Valentine's Day Break Betsy! I'm wondering what George has planned. ;)
I love this about Negative People, we all know some. Take a break, Happy Valentines Day!
kim
Great post, Betsy! Fortunately the most negative people in my life live either 200 miles or 1,000 miles from me! So I chose when I want to answer the phone and keep on smiling!
Happy Valentine's Day to you and your hubby.
Blessings!
CottonLady
Oh Betsy! What a great post!! I have to say I am a very positive person and one of my gifts is that I am a great listener. Being a hair dresser I think that comes with the job LOL but it is amazing what people share with me! My daughter just laughs and shakes her head...she's like MOM, why do people always tell you their life story?? I say, I guess bc I listen! :) But it has been so amazing to truly realize their is life and death in our tongue! When you truly pay attention to your words and make an effort to not say anything negative about or to anyone....WOW! also, Asking the Lord to renew our minds and our hearts is so important! On our own we will fail but through HIS help we can change from glory to glory :)
Have a wonderful and blessed Valentines Day my friend! I am sooo happy to have found you and George! You bless me so much and your love for one another is so inspiring! Thank you for being a godly couple and an example of true love ♥
Hi Betsy,
Great idea about Friday post.
I didn't have time yesterday to read my blogs so I'm catching up today during a slow market morning.
ONE Sunday I was reading the reference at the bottom of a page in my Bible and I use this all the time in dealing with negative people.
It said if you are in a boat in the middle of a large lake and you see a bad thunder storm coming really fast it is always good to start praying but it is also very wise t pick up the paddles and start rowing toward shore. God helps those who help themselves.
I have a very low b***s*** tolerance and have to practice patience a lot of the time. It has gotten easier with age I must say my compasion has grown.
Hope you have a wonderful blessed weekend and enjoy this nice weather.
Marilyn
I really liked this post. I know exactly what you mean. I was just recently dealing with a negative vortex situation in my own life. I had become so negative I could barely look at myself in the mirror. It was terrible. I'm happy to say God pulled me from the vortex and I am healing nicely! ;)
Have a wonderful Valentine's weekend. Enjoy your break!
I used to try to be patient and understanding with negative people and I usually kept quiet and let them vent. As I get older I've come to realize that some people just don't want to be happy and they also like to see others unhappy. I no longer feel like I have to accept their abuse and so I don't have anything to do with negative people, as much as I am able. I'm a happy person and I try to stay that way! :)
Have a very happy Valentine's Day!
This is a great idea, Betsy! i'll challenge myself to come visit you every Friday. ;-)
I consider myself lucky, most if not all of my friends are positive people.
Happy Valentine's Day to you and George!
What a great idea. I like No. 2. As human being we tend to dwell on the negative most of the time and we forget that it is only one part. The other part is - appreciating the positive side of it.
Hi Betsy,
I enjoyed your post, and was able to get most of the comments read. I don't have a lot of negative people in my life. In reading the comments, it occurred to me that there are different ways to be negative. I can actually handle it better when someone is venting about a problem than when the negativity is directed toward me.
I have a co-worker who crabs at students and sometimes at me. I have to repeatedly forgive her. Part of the problem is that she is hard of hearing, and doesn't always know when I am talking to a student, and she will talk over me. I've tried talking to her, but she gets very defensive and tries to criticize me about something unrelated. One time something she said bothered me so much, I asked a teacher if she thought I did what the co-worker accused me of, and she did not. I think she talked to her about it, because things have been better lately. I will be glad when she retires next year.
Hi Betsy, Looks like "Let's Talk Friday" is a big hit! I love your positive energy and suggestions for dealing with negative people.
Happy Valentine's Day to you and George!
I forgot to say I love your template and header photo. Happy Valentine's Day!
often, I pretend to be listening, when in fact I am not.
Interesting thoughts.
I think some needs empathy and also you have to be stern on the rest.
I have a huge problem with the "do gooders" who go on and on about how much good they do and then sit back to hear those complements coming in. I'm a firm believer in doing "good" and moving on, leaving no time for people to heap those complements on you.
Thanks for the forum!
Best,
Bonnie
Boy, I could write a book about this post...sometimes I am the negative person and sometimes I am not....
This is something I have often thought about...I really think that the way we were raised, the way we were treated in childhood, even if we had the right nutrition has so much to do with our outlook.
I am a worrier, that I do know. I don't like it...I would much rather be one that always had a positive outlook. There is a lot of wasted energy in worry. If I could turn it off, I would.
And then there are the people that think depression is something you need to just get up and go do something for someone else. I think those people need to suffer real depression for just a while in their life.
I try to look at it as they really do not know..heard more than one preacher use those words. I am here to tell you it is something physically wrong, just like a broken bone, diabetes, or any common illness.
About 12 years or so ago, I went through a time when it was all I could do to go to work. I was so tired, I had a mental battle with myself every day at some time or other...I could have crawled on the wagon and went to sleep out in the middle of the orchard.
When I came home if I sat down, I went to sleep. I did not sew...I did not read. I think I went through spells where I didn't read a book a month...and at that time...before and after the spell, I probably read 2 or 3 books a week.
I called the doctor finally, and when I had to wait a week or two to see her, I sat and cried...
She ran tests on me, but in the meantime started me on an antidepressant...just in a few days I was a different person...I was back to my old self.
all the tests the doctor ran showed nothing wrong with me...
I often wonder what would have happened had it not been the right medicine...from all I have heard, sometimes it takes months of finding the right one.
I took the antidepressant regular for 2 or 3 years I think, then quit taking it. I have had times when I say I have the blues....now those are the times I need to get out and do something...for someone else, for my family...
I don't even know if this all really relates to the topic...I guess I am just saying that some negative people cannot help it.
but it all makes me wonder if we had lived in each others shoes, what kind of person would we have become.
I think the best thing is to steer clear of negative thinking all together.
I try to use the 'power of positive thinking'
Happy Valentine's Day, Betsy
be well, be happy :)
Pam
Hi Betsy! I love all the hearts and your header. Happy Valentine's Day to you and hubby. I guess we all know negative people. I tend to get negative about the weather when it gets bad but most of the time I am an "up" person. I have family and friends that are very negative and I just try to keep my mouth shut when they start. I think you are not going to change someone like that so just stay away from them if possible. lol.
Have a great week.
Happy Valentine's Day Betsy & George! Hopefully, next year we'll be able to meet sometime face to face ~ but in the meantime you're stuck with me here in cyberspace. Have a wonderful day!!!
I really like this post idea, Betsy, of getting such thoughtful feedback from your readers. I've enjoyed reading the comments very much---so much wisdom here! As several mentioned, I do think it's important to differentiate between those who seem to enjoy wallowing in self-pity and those who have endured real hardship and may be struggling because of it. In fact, the people I most admire (and am drawn to) are those who have been through great misfortune, but who still manage to focus on the good, even when they are depressed. It is such a challenge to not become bitter when you've been through more than your share of difficulties, so I particularly like to be around those who have grown THROUGH their hardship to become more compassionate and loving people.
Thank you for this post and to your commenters for their insights.
I just simply don't deal with negative people. I've been known to just walk away from them. Or totally cut off my ties to them. I try to live my life with positive energy. When you think positive, positive things happen to you. I truly believe that!
Happy Valentine's Day Betsy...
Good advice, Betsy. Especially hard is dealing with the negative people who also happen to be your boss and whose negative vibes extend to their decisions. Can we add "send them a tray of magic brownies" to the list?
Oh my goodness! I could write volumes on this subject but I'll spare you the agonizing details! LOL!
I will say that being around an extremely negative person for a long period of time will wear down even the most positive person.
It may sound awful but I avoid 'doom and gloom' people.
☼ Sunny
I'd better not get started on this one, I'll never shut up... heheheee!
Happy Valentine's Day to you two love birds!!! =)
Good post Betsy! Negative people are draining - I try to surround myself w/ positive people. Either that - or change the subject with the "Debbie Downer." There are so many things to be thankful for in life. Hope you are doing well -
Big Hugs,
Shelley
Hi Betsy,
Always good to pay you a visit. Negative people don't bother me too much. I always feel like they are very needy and I try to measure each case individually. No one likes negativity but the light in me is what I try to spread.
I hope you had a wonderful Valentine's Day with your one and only, George. Meems
Love this new look!
Hi Betsy,
Hope you and George had a wonderful Valentine's Day!
I had posted a comment on the 14th....you probably already read it but when I read it back to myself it really wasn't as funny to me as it was when I wrote it...I guess enough years have yet to pass for me to feel neutral about a lot of my past.
But the bottom line is that I can't and won't be around negative people {my days of trying to bless them and fix them are over}...my whole life was infected by them and I'm only 6 years out of it and everyone else that was involved...I literally wiped the slate clean to save my sanity.
Depression sets in when you stay surrounded long enough by the dark side that so many people choose to live. I was always a positive, see the bright side of everything sort of person...believe me, it all just about did me in. I'm still trying to find all of the good that I once felt....and that my friend is what negativity can do to you if there's enough of it around you. I spent all of my time trying to "fix" everyone so they'd be happy like I was..oh, geesh...forget it! I just about completely killed my spirit before it was over with.
So I think I've filled my quota on negative people for this lifetime...I'm healing myself and pray for God to continue healing my spirit as no one else can.
Love and Hugs,
Stephanie ♥
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